New Column: KinkWeekly’s “Ask a Dominatrix:” Sub or Bottom?

I was recently asked to contribute to KinkWeekly‘s regular advice column called “Ask a Dominatrix” with my good friend Lucy Khan. I’ll be posting these regularly.

Do you have a burning question you’d like us to answer? Email kinkweekly@gmail.com!

Question:

I am a long time kinkster, and I’m interested in trying out a session with a pro-Domme (having mostly topped in the past).  I’m very interested in being restrained in bondage along with teasing, sensation play and experimenting with mild pain.  I’m not really “submissive” though – the thought of being talked down to, humiliated or given commands is a turn off.  From looking at many pro Domme’s web sites and social media feeds, it seems like many really believe in female supremacy and expect their clients to treat them accordingly.  Are there any pro Dommes that can offer more of a tailored  play experience without me needing to grovel etc.  If so, how can I find them?

My Answer:

The vast majority of trained, experienced, and above all, *professional* players should be able to help you. Although many of us express a preference for a specific kind of scene or interaction, most of us are trained as fantasy facilitators who are able to wear many hats and play a multitude of roles.

I emphasize the word “professional” on purpose. One of the cornerstones of professionalism in any field is competence. In this case, this means competence in the plethora of skills expected of a full-service BDSM provider. Perhaps you can use this distinction in your evaluation of each Domme: use your judgment to discern what’s mere “fantasy talk” (which comprises much of what’s on people’s websites – and remember, these are our fantasies, too), and someone’s level of BDSM skill and professionalism.

Secondly, consent & communication are cornerstones of BDSM (unless consensual non-consent is explicitly agreed to ahead of time). You shouldn’t have to experience anything in a scene that you specifically said you’re NOT into. Every professional will respect that if you communicate it, and every non-professional should, too.

I’d recommend you contact a few Dommes/providers, communicate your wishes/concerns to each of them, and see how they respond. Then you can have your pick. Most likely, all of them will say, “No problem.” A scene is, at the end of the day, a negotiated interaction.Remember to respectfully communicate your needs, and always use your judgment.

Good luck & good whippings!
~ Princess Marx
www.princessmarx.com

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