As many of you know, I offer BDSM Coaching & Consulting services as part of My practice.
A few weeks ago, The Guardian’s Sofia Barrett-Ibarria interviewed Me for her piece on this very topic. The original article is below. Enjoy!
Why I ditched my therapist to hire a dominatrix instead
“My dominatrix life coach isn’t afraid to hurt my feelings – she’s brutally honest and has no time for my excuses“
“I love therapy, but I didn’t love my therapist. She was young, like me, and new – the best I could find with my cheap insurance. I was her first real client, she was thrilled, I was broke and depressed.
Over the course of our six months together, we often sat through extended periods of silence, each of us desperately searching for something to say. Other times, I rambled about how pointless my life felt, the crushing guilt and fear of abandonment that follows me everywhere, and ill-timed thirst traps, just to fill the space. I did my best to entertain her with overshares and regrettable sex stories from my life as a sad yet charming bisexual, and for a while, that was fine, until I ran out of stories and we fell back into silence. I left our sessions feeling worse than I did when I arrived.
I quit therapy because I needed help from someone who knew what they were doing, and possibly even more importantly, who knew what I was doing, or what I should be doing. I didn’t want another therapist; I wanted someone to just tell me what to do, who could kick my ass and tell me to cut the bullshit. I wanted motivation, advice and accountability from a woman who spanks grown men for a living.
So I hired a dominatrix.
In addition to more typical services like fetish play, bondage and corporal punishment, some professional dominatrixes offer life coaching services that focus on confidence-building and improving self-esteem, though many also offer help with anything from fitness goals, dating and professional development.
“Many dommes offer some version of this service,” said the Los Angeles-based dominatrix Princess Marx, whose services include traditional fetish play as well as lifestyle coaching. “Men, women and everyone in between tend to come to me for one of two reasons: to gain new skills for BDSM play inside and outside the bedroom or dungeon, or to improve confidence in non-kinky aspects of life – to learn how to ‘make life their bitch,’ as I like to say.”
Princess Marx conducts sessions with clients all over the world either by phone, video chat, or in person.“I make an action plan with my client that outlines their goals, and we decide on a timeline. We also agree on a set of incentives and disincentives, or ‘rewards and punishments’. Punishments typically do not involve any physical pain, but can if the client prefers. We use whatever is going to be most effective.”
Life coaching of any kind isn’t a licensed profession, which means that coaches aren’t subject to the same requirements, regulations and ethical codes as licensed therapists. “Any coach worth their salt will know when a client’s concerns are beyond the scope of coaching, and would be better served by referring them to a therapist,” adds Princess Marx. “This is crucial, in my opinion.”
I found the Los Angeles pro-domme Mistress Justine Cross by suggestion of a friend. After I’d finally mustered the courage to email her, she greeted me with a hug outside a West LA coffee shop looking exactly the way she did online – gorgeous, confident and high-heeled, only without the whip and skin-tight latex mini dress. And she was going to help me.
We found a quiet corner to talk about my goals, blending in seamlessly like typical customers chatting over iced coffees. I explained that my days lacked any form of organization or routine. I didn’t follow a set schedule and kept most of my work deadlines and personal to-do lists in my head. I felt trapped in an endless loop of deadlines and burnout, and I used my mom’s multiple calls to me during the workday as a convenient excuse to drop whatever I was doing. I explained that I needed something I could actually do and see that would give me some direction. I knew this wouldn’t cure my depression, but I hoped I could get a greater sense of control and accountability. I wanted someone to care whether or not I cared.
Her first piece of advice was firm and direct: “You need to stop calling your mom.” Next, she instructed me to buy a monthly planner and outline a detailed plan of the personal and professional goals I wanted to accomplish before the year was out. “With a dominatrix, there isn’t as much of a filter. We don’t have to keep talking through everything,” Cross told me later during a phone conversation. “It’s like, ‘bitch, get a fucking planner.’”
I’d finally found someone who could do what I always wished my therapists would: just tell me what to do. The idea of paying a gorgeous, confident woman to boss me around was exciting and terrifying, and I was ready to do as I was told.
I bought a planner, which itself was a revelation, and for the first time possibly ever, I made week-by-week and month-by-month lists of everything I needed to accomplish. It wasn’t easy at first. “I’m not suggesting to you anything you don’t already know,” Cross told me over the phone. She was right. I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing to be productive, to stay on task. I just needed to actually do it. I sometimes struggled to keep the deadlines we agreed on, and accepted my chosen punishment.It wasn’t a genital chastity cage, but for me, it was just as effective – no TV.
Once I started to get organized, I found I finally had time to read the stack of books piled on my night table, meditate, and end the day feeling proud of the work I’d done, instead of exhausted and disappointed by everything I’d put off. I was following someone else’s instructions, but I felt a greater sense of control and ownership over my life, like I wasn’t drowning any more.
I don’t lack the agency to think for myself, or work productively without direct supervision and instruction. I do, however, enjoy being told what to do, which is something I’d always been somewhat ashamed to admit. I love mean, beautiful women, and I love when they boss me around.
Unlike my previous therapists, my dominatrix life coach isn’t afraid to hurt my feelings – she’s brutally honest and has no time for my excuses. Nothing makes me feel so fully seen like a woman telling me that I need to get my life together because she believes I can be better, because she’s decided that for now at least, I’m worth her valuable time. I’m happy to please her, and to pay her for everything she offers – her attention, her encouragement and her punishment.“