It’s time for another installment of my advice column on KinkWeekly! Do you have a burning question you’d like Me to answer? Email marxassistant@gmail.com.
This week on “Ask a Dominatrix”…
Question:
My boyfriend likes to be dominated, and I’m pretty new to it but I’ve been trying out a few things. Tying him up, teasing him, spanking, clamps are all super fun. Yesterday he asked me if I would do “cock and ball torture” on him. I’ve been reading up and it sounds pretty intense – I’m worried I might cause some damage, particularly if I hit or kick him in the nuts. Are you able to give me any advice about trying this out?Alicia
My answer:
Dear Future Genitorturess,
As a notorious ballbusting enthusiast, this is one of my favorite questions! The reality is, those little suckers (balls) can take a lot more abuse than you think! Just search for the video of me kicking Andrea Dipre in the nuts wearing shoes with full 1-inch metal spikes on the toebox!
Of course, Andrea is an experienced (and motivated) ballbusting recipient, and we’ve known each other long enough to be able to do that. We’re both practicing RACK – risk-aware consensual kink.
So, on that note, here are a few things I recommend – and some of these apply to *any* BDSM play:
1) Know thyself, and your partner. You must have trust, and you must be able to monitor & gauge your partner’s reactions while playing. If your boyfriend specifically asked for it, chances are, it’ll be VERY clear to you when he’s enjoying himself, and when he isn’t – just make sure you’re paying attention. Go slowly and build intensity, and with time, you’ll know you partner well enough to skip ahead to the fun parts more quickly 🙂
2) Have a safeword, at least while you’re still experimenting. Once you’re both more comfortable, you can even move away from using a safeword.
I’m a fan of pushing boundaries with playpartners when there is mutual trust, but you have to both be on that page – use both your spideysense and explicit verbal communication to decide when and how far you can push.
3) Circulation (or the loss thereof) is one of the biggest concerns. If you notice swelling, or a loss of sensation or color, immediately loosen the bondage or cease activity. If it doesn’t get better, seek urgent professional help. Of course, with time, you’ll learn how much your partner can take without ever getting to that point.
4) Tension is the other area of high concern. Tying the testicles to a fixed point for prolonged periods risks torsion or rupture, particularly if your partner has a quick reaction to something and is being held by the testes. Being tied to weights for long periods carries similar risks.
5) Take breaks. Give your partner a break every 20-30 minutes, or as needed, to alleviate pressure, tension, and circulation.
6) Always keep safety materials on hand – in particular, safety shears (the kind with the rounded, rather than pointed, tips). At about $5 on average, they’re one of the best safety investments even in vanilla practice.
7) Beware of squeezing anything too hard, at least until you know what your partner enjoys – and as you get to know them, you’ll also learn what they can take, and when you can push them a bit.
8) Blood is a pathogen. You probably already have some sort of mutual understanding on body fluids with your boyfriend, but remember that there are diseases that aren’t transmitted sexually, but can be transmitted via blood contact.
9) Remember: Google is your friend. No list I write in a Q&A format can ever be exhaustive enough, so PLEASE do yourself a favor and google this a little more before starting play.
10) Last, but perhaps most importantly, HAVE.FUN!!! The great joy of a D/s dynamic is getting to do things that are normally considered taboo. We’re all supposed to be very nice and polite to each other IRL; the joy of BDSM is that you get to fuck with that.
I think that’s probably why ballbusting is my all-time favorite BDSM activity: I’m (shockingly!) actually a nice person IRL, and would never kick someone without consent (although some people really deserve it..). In play, we get to do those things to people with not only their permission, but with their desire. There’s even a band called The Genitorturers!
Enjoy!